'For this child I prayed...'

'For this child I prayed...'

• Oct 25, 2019

Where have I been the last four months? Growing a baby! My second boy will be making his arrival in February. We’re all so excited for this sweet answer to prayer! I can’t believe I’m already more than halfway through this pregnancy and know the next few months will fly by. I've been savoring these days with a little boy who can’t wait to become a big brother, cherishing the memories we're making and praying over what's to come.

Back in June, I felt like I needed a break from Instagram. I figured that after a week or two, I’d be back to posting regularly. But then… I didn’t miss it like I thought I would. Since the timing happened to coincide with some major first trimester exhaustion, my short break away turned into one month, then two, and now here we are! I decided to take a step back from blogging, too, as evidenced by silence on here lately. I’ve still been reading, but it’s been so nice to stop thinking about writing reviews, posting photos, or accidentally obsessing over likes, comments, and followers. It’s just been all about the books... and getting ready for this baby!

My future on Instagram is looking a little different than I’d once imagined. I’m planning on posting there again, just more sporadically. But I've missed this little corner of the Internet so much more – maybe because I still personally prefer reading blog posts over social media? I know creating and consuming this content can take more time, but it brings me more satisfaction. So, I'm hoping to post more regularly on here for the next few months (until I likely take another break in those early newborn days). But we shall see what happens!

Regardless, I've been itching to open up a draft and write. I rarely get super personal on here, but I want to for a moment – even if only to look back on for myself. When I was growing up, I thought I wanted to have four kids. I'm the oldest of four and always loved having a big family, so I figured I'd have the same one day. Nick wasn't convinced we needed four kids (ha!), but we both couldn't wait to become parents. When it took me longer than I'd expected to get pregnant that first time, I realized that my dreams might have to change. 

My sweet boy was the answer to our prayers, and he was born during a year that was really hard for my family. We'd call him our "bright spot," and he truly brought us so much joy in a season we needed it most. In all the time I spent waiting for him, I never imagined that I'd look back one day and know that he wasn't born one minute too soon or too late. God's timing was perfect, even when I couldn't see it in the years I spent praying to get pregnant. I now read Hannah's statement in 1 Samuel 1:27 and feel it in my soul, "For this child I prayed..."  (emphasis mine). 

With my firstborn, God was teaching me to have a heart of gratitude. I've blogged a little before about how I try to parent from a place of thankfulness. I don't always get it right, but I look back at these past three and a half years with such overwhelming joy. I've certainly seen my own selfishness and sin – have lost my temper, been impatient, lamented how I didn't have time to do what I wanted to do – but I've also felt a deep sense of peace about being right where God wants me. I'm thankful for this parenting journey, in all of its highs and lows.

When my sweet boy turned one in 2017, my husband and I started talking about having a second. Once again, a year passed... then two... and I still wasn't pregnant. And I kept asking God to give me contentment, to let me celebrate the gift I'd already been given, and to mean it when I said, "If one is all we have, it's enough." I didn't want all my energy and emotions to be wrapped up in whether we could have another child. As I now rejoice over another boy joining our family, I'm also grateful for the peace I've had the past few years. It might seem like that's easy for me to say now that I'm five months pregnant, but I think the people in my life would vouch for it, too. This time hasn't been defined by trying, waiting, disappointment – the things I remember about the years before my first. We have been trying, and we did wait, but I've felt content and know that came from God.

I don't know if we'll one day have those four kids that I thought I wanted. I can't see that far down the path in front of me. But I do know who walks beside me, and I am learning to trust Him – even when I'm "prone to wander," as my favorite hymn says. And here's one more thing I love about Hannah in the Bible – she knew that the son she prayed for, Samuel, didn't really belong to her. He was God's first. As much as I love my sons, the one I know and the one I have yet to meet, God loves them more. Parenting calls me to both sacrifice and surrender, two things that don't come easily. But God is faithful, even when I'm not, and I'm thankful that He has entrusted these two boys to our care. It is a privilege that Nick and I don't take lightly.